“How long have you suffered from MMA?” I asked. “Since I was 21, so 20 years,” John said. “It’s been a long addiction.”
Like most who suffer from MMA “John” doesn’t want to be identified. Many enter the March Madness Protection Program because their addiction costs employers so much money.
Are you sitting down for this? Of course you are. March Madness costs employers an estimated 175 Million dollars in the first two days of the tournament.
“Is this an MMA sick day?” I asked Lola Doe. “It is,” She whispered. “A recovery day from the MMA pre-draft.”
Symptoms include nervousness, mood swings and lack of interest. MMA comes on fast and hits hard.
“It’s kind of like a sinus infection,” John said. “You can feel it coming on, you know its coming on and you just get sick. It’s expensive too; I end up spending a lot on medication.”
“A lot of people who suffer from MMA come to you to feel better, what do you generally prescribe for them?” I asked Primo’s Grille bartender Tiffany Wylie.
“A pint of Dos Equis, maybe give them a shot of Jameson or two. That will get them feeling good,” Tiffany continued. “That at least gets them through halftime and then maybe a couple of Corona’s after that.”
“It’s totally contagious,” I warned Tiffany. “As a matter of fact it is,” Tiffany said. “I feel like I’m coming down with it right now.”
“Secondary March Madness Inhalation,” A man we’ll call J.D. chimed in. “That the problem is here.”
Research into MMA is chronically underfunded. Johnny and Jane Doe have their own support system.
“Sometimes he wakes up with dreams and he’ll talk in his dreams about it, so yes, he is suffering from it,” Jane said.
“What does he say?” I pried. “He’ll say I want Miami to win or he’ll wake up saying that.”
Johnny said there is no shame in his game but admits MMA is a fever that won’t break anytime soon.
“I love this addiction,” Johnny said. “I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to quit it either.”
Heartbreaking, I know. Health experts say the MMA virus lasts only a couple of weeks and you can stay healthy if you avoid brackets and certain television networks.
Feel free to leave a comment below about your March Madness Addiction.